she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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