So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
