Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
