If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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