Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
