I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
