The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
