Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
