I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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