The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
