I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
