Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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