So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
