oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Randomize
