Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
