I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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