when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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