dude i'm inner monologue high
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Randomize
