Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Randomize
