Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
