I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Randomize
