Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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