when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
