i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
