it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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