Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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