My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
