Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
