I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize