Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
