You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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