hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
