I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
