I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
