Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
