i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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