dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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