ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
