We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
