Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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