Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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