I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
