so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
