I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
it's like heaven, but drunker
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
