I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
