Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
