I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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