Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
