Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Holy sore nipples Batman
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
