we have pet lesbian snakes
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
