god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
