so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
