I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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