someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.