Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
