meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
