I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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