I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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