this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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