I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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