I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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